Almost everyone has experienced unrequited love. It happens when we have romantic feelings for someone that doesn’t return those feelings. And it makes us feel vulnerable in a number of ways.
In a one-sided relationship, there is the love giver and the one who refuses love. Since love is so rare to find, why would so many people refuse offers of love?
Preference and Tastes
The most obvious answer is that people do not wish to be in a relationship with just anyone. They want a partner with desirable qualities in values, intelligence, cultural background, appearance and even humor. And pursuers who do not qualify for their preference will most likely be rejected.
People’s selectiveness in choosing partners is primarily due to opportunity costs. In most circumstances, one can only maintain a serious relationship with one partner at a time. And to accept one’s love means to forgo all others. Thus, it’s normal for people to refuse love more often than accept it.
Low Self-Esteem
A different reason why people reject love is that they don’t think they deserve it and would feel comfortable with it.
In this case, they are likely to question the authenticity of love, and thus, instead of accepting it, they suspect that someone could love them when they don’t see themselves in that light.
Research shows that low self-worth is a common sign of depression. Depression can cause people to have pessimistic thoughts and perceptions toward their surroundings, leading to rumination on negative aspects of themselves or their memories.
This symptom of depression can be caused by a toxic environment where individuals are repeatedly belittled by their partner, friends, family members or boss.
Attachment Issues and Emotional Defense
Rejection is also a way of avoidance. Avoidant individuals often suppress their experience of emotions and refrain from expressing them to ensure their attachment system remains deactivated.
They do this not just for the negative emotions but also for the positive ones. Because these positive feelings remind them of vulnerability and the pain if that relationship were to end.
Psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shave conducted a study showing that these avoidant individuals are also less aware of positive cues that would form an attachment.
In the study, highly avoidant individuals showed less brain activity in brain areas associated with rewards than those lower in avoidance.
Other research also found that avoidant individuals refuse to fully understand someone and keep an emotional distance that blocks intimacy.
Empathic Accuracy
Empathic accuracy is the ability to grasp other people’s thoughts and feelings, which is essential for forming relationships with others.
According to research by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), individuals with greater empathic accuracy can detect more potential threats, reducing “feelings of closeness” and attraction towards their romantic partners.
Conclusion
Romantic rejection can be distressing to the rejected person; however, it can also impose an equal amount of stress on the one who rejects. Though their “no”s may seem easy, much more is happening on the receiver’s side that the pursuer doesn’t see.
Soon, I will switch my focus to the pursuer and discuss how to deal with romantic rejection and move on with openness and confidence.
